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Beware the PakRest - Just Being Funny

I’m not a picky eater. Since I spent most of my growing years eating healthy food, I feel like it’s my adult right to eat whatever I want – at least before I have kids and need to be a role model or whatever. However, it’s not that time. This is my time to wild out and eat whatever I want. What I want is a basic burger, fries, and ice cream combo. All day. Every day. Maybe switch it up with a doughnut or two.

Sometimes my friends convince me to try new things. I occasionally indulge them. Usually, my fears of dishes being too spicy or gagging on mud result in enjoyable experiences. 

We decided to check the Pakistani restaurant off the food bucket list. This was the real deal. People were eating with their hands, double-dipping, and adding secret herbs and sauces. They were going all in! The one white couple in the joint were eating with utensils. As the only black person there, I felt obligated to do my people proud and eat like the natives.

That. Butter chicken. Was. Bangin’! I rolled u…

Caribbean Gyal Inna Chicago - Onicia Updates - June 2018

Oh-ni-ni! What's my name?! Oh-ni-ni! What's my name?!

Spring. Summer. Whatever you call this beautiful, but brief season is when the Chicago sun comes out to bless a bish is finally here. June is also Caribbean American Heritage Month. At the year's midpoint, I am feeling myself. Why?

Firstly, my mommy is still alive and will be celebrating another birthday, God spare life. Actually, lots of awesome people celebrate their bday in June.

Secondly, we finally have a shooting date for Pre-Existing,a web series project I've been working on. Yup, don't talk about it, be about it! My lovely friend, Lissette Hall hooked me up with David Audio. This web series anthology, which is set in a doctor's waiting room, features stories by 14 Chicago screenwriters. My episode, which will be shot on June 15, is called Aluminum Coverage. I'm excited to reunite with Greg Callozzo (Oh Baby!) as well as collaborate with funny women in comedy Sandy Lee and Sonal Aggarwal.

Finally,…

How did you build your website? - Hey Onicia

What did you use to build your website?

This awesome question came to me hot at 8:30 am. Nonetheless let me answer your questions. Congrats! You’re choosing to build a website in this decade vs. say, the 90s when you actually had to know how to code like a gawd.

Hey Onicia is a series where I tap into my type-A side and answer questions from my friends about this starving artist life. If you find this helpful, share with your twitter homies or thank me with ice cream. Want to chat or collaborate? Holla at me!
Heads up: This post is different to other “how to start a blog/website” articles because I’m not about pushing expensive super-pro solutions just so I can earn a commission. Yes, making money requires spending money. However, your first time doing anything will be trial and error. Don’t go breaking bank without fully testing if this new online venture is for you.
I built my website (www.oniciamuller.com)  with Weebly. Psst, use my affiliate link for 10% discount.
Why I choose WeeblyA…

Smuggling contraband Sharon Stone style - Just Being Funny

“Why are we wasting time? There’s no point to all these new measures if gate security is just going to look at me -- and girls like me -- and not search us. You see pigtails, cute faces, and assume we’re not carrying drugs or weapons.”

I doubt anyone remembered my monolog, but it felt cool to say something that implied I was a bad girl while pointing out gender biases. 

My foray into smuggling was unintentional. One time during a morning check, security discovered a massive screwdriver in my bag. “Oh, I was doing an experiment in my yard. I must have forgotten it.” Without question, he returned the weapon -- because that’s what it could have been -- and sent me on my way.

“Why are your eyes red?” asked the guard.

“Because I went to bed with mascara on and now my eyes are irritated.” I was blunt and unconcerned. My excuse seemed legitimate, and he waved me into the campus. I was never selected for random drug testing. 

They interrupted a would-be uninspiring Economy class for a surprise sec…

Creative Growth - Onicia Update - May 2018

When I started this newsletter in January 2016, I used it to hold myself accountable. How can I call myself a writer if my words are never published? How do I call myself a performer if I never stand on a stage? How do I prove that I get ish done (am a successful project manager) if I don't produce receipts? Most importantly, how do I stay motivated if I never revisit past accomplishments?
May marks one year of consistently publishing my Onicia Updates (thanks, LT in the City). This month's letter features more published writings, cool creatives I fangirl for, and a few throwback portfolio items.
I'm not where I want to be, but I'm also not where I used to be.
That's all I gotta say today. Got something I should see or someone I should collaborate with? Email me or shout at me on Twitter. Upcoming Events Here where you might find me socializing and performing.
Feminist Prom - Rebellious Magazine May 19 at The Living Room The Skewer - Cafe Mustache June 6 Louder Than …

Too Many Ideas, Not Enough Time - Hey Onicia

“Do you ever have so many ideas for projects that you want to do all of simultaneously and so you end up feeling constantly overwhelmed but never doing any of them and what do you do to break out of that?”
Girl, you sound like someone who likes to talk about it but never be about it. Anyways, pull up close and let me drop some knowledge on you.
Hey Onicia is a series where I tap into my type-A side and answer questions from my friends about this starving artist life. If you find this helpful, share with your twitter homies or thank me with ice cream. Want to chat or collaborate? Holla at me!
So, you want to do all the things but end up doing none of the things? My solution is simple: pick one thing, set a deadline to revisit the others (1 year), and then just start.
Das it? Yup, das it!
Think about it. Your life is okay without doing any of these things right now. So, just pick one. You can always do the others later. Trust me. I have commitment issues. I’m also very ambitious. I know th…

Joanne the Scammer and the Unpaid Intern - Just Being Funny

Cold sweats, shakes, delusions, and diarrhea. I'd surpassed the “I'm so sick I should see a doctor regardless of the copay” phase and was now in the “here's my computer password; call my mom if I die” phase. I’d lost seven pounds through running to the bathroom to clear my colon. On day fourteen of what I was sure was a modern strain of the Black Death (Dramatic. I know!) when my internship boss called. 

Apparently, she thought my two weeks’ notice was contingent on me finding a replacement. It wasn’t. After eight months of unpaid laboring, I decided to move on. Finding a replacement was my parting gift. It wasn’t my fault, nor my problem, that Rebecca the unreliable Canadian was, well, unreliable.

Short of breath and borderline delirious, I explained that even if I wanted to, I couldn’t help because I was seriously unwell. Faster than it took me to put my arms under the covers and roll on my side, my roommate’s phone rang. 

Mumbling. Chucking. Pacing. There’s a knock on my d…

Chillin' and Relaxin' - Onicia Update - April 2018

Yes, I'm alive. Just hanging around, enjoying my social media break, and waiting for spring. Um, should I say more? Nah, that's all I gotta say today. Got something I should see or someone I should collaborate with? Email me or shout at me on Twitter.
Published Writings6 Lessons Learned Adapting My Feature Script into a Radio Drama (La-Screenwriter)
Writing is not just sitting at your computer and typing. We develop stories and characters while doing everyday activities.
JBF: Mr. Sowell Ain’t Doing So Well – Part 1 (The Daily Herald)
Aw, look at God giving me the opportunity to bless someone’s grandpa.
JBF: Mr. Sowell’s Brand New Ride - Part 2 (The Daily Herald)
What kind of Charmin’-Ultra-struggle flirting was going on?


Fangirlin' Here are cool things I found online!

Stop Hitting Snooze on Your Wake Up Call (Breaking the Piggy Bank)
The first step in a lot of recovery programs is to admit that you have a problem. I think the same concept can apply to admitting that we have t…