Skip to main content

A French Translator - Just Being Funny

Every Caribbean person comes out the womb bilingual. My goal in life was to speak at the least seven languages and maybe one day work as an interpreter at the United Nations. On my quest to mastering seven languages, I came across a little known tongue called Spanish.



As a big headed teenager, I believe French, Dutch and English were the most important languages in the world. Spanish was not going to be a thing. School administrators should stop trying to make Spanish happen, readjust the budget, and double down on teaching French. ‘Cause honesty, anyone who only spoke Spanish probably didn’t do anything great.

Obviously, I also struggled with history and world geography – as if you couldn’t tell from those strongly held and embarrassingly ignorant beliefs. The universe would later have me insert my foot – nay my entire leg – into my mouth because my future children are Afro-Latino. A moment of side eye and several seats for past Spanish-hating me.

But back to mastering French, It was the days of dial-up internet. My high school’s study career guidance room recently acquired two computers. Game changer. No longer would I worry about losing my USB stick or damaging my floppy disk. I could just access files via email.

“Oh, you’re in a rush to download your homework? It would be a shame if this cable became mysteriously damaged.” - G.E.B.E’s resident rat.

Theory test day: I’d forgotten to find and print a French article for my oral exam. Without considering the risks (i.e. electrical outages, unstable internet connection, and the devil), I lied to my teacher about forgetting to print my article. The plan was simple. Log onto MSN.com and pick a short 500-word article about anything. Next, I would navigate to MSN.fr, scroll until I found the same lead image and print that article.

Premature celebration at finding a vacant workstation. The connection was so slow, I imagined it was less painful to pluck my leg hair. Hail and brimstone! The MSN websites were not identical. Apparently, Americans and the French do not have the same interests. Strapped for time, I dumped the Britney Spears article into a translation website. Then, I updated the source URL to say ‘.fr’. I was the wisest teenager ever.

I was not the wisest teenager ever. Barely reviewed the printout my teacher said, “This is not French.”

“Really? I found it on MSN France’s website.” I bluffed.

Eventually, I was granted an extension. Moral? The robots hadn’t mastered translations. The UN would still have translator vacancies. Hopefully, they had a better internet connection.


What would you do? Tweet me using #JBFxOnicia


Created on St. Maarten. Based in Chicago. Onicia Muller (@OniciaMuller) writes, says funny things, and enjoys hanging with creative minds. Originally published in The Daily Herald's Weekender, Just Being Funny is a weekly reflection where Onicia laughs at life


Want more funny? Subscribe. Buy me ice cream. Share.
Onicia TwitterOnicia Muller Newletter Onicia Muller Facebook PageOnicia Muller YouTube





Popular posts from this blog

Where to Write When You’re Cheap and Broke? - Hey Onicia

My friend Annamarie from Dutch Alien Lands in the U.S. asked “where do you go to write? Or do you stay at home? It might have to do with the fact that we just moved, but I have to get a story off my chest and I can't seem to start at home. Is there a secret writer’s hotel or something?” Here’s what I told her about where to write when you’re cheap and broke.
Hey Onicia is a series where I tap into my type-A side and answer questions from my friends about this starving artist life. If you find this helpful, share with your twitter homies or thank me with ice cream. Want to chat or collaborate? Holla at me!
My sisters often encourage me to spend money on annual celebrations like holidays and birthdays because I work so hard and need to relax. My reply: spending money stresses me out. Staying at home doing nothing relaxes me. 
Write at a coffee shop or bookstore? How does one write under the constant pressure to spend money? During any given workday I drink 3-5 cups of tea. Who is payin…

How to Afford Hired Help When You’re Still A Struggling Artist? - Hey Onicia

In an interview with 2 and A Bottle,they asked how I afforded to hire an assistant for creative ventures. I am pro paying people for their work because artists die from exposure; ‘likes’ and retweets do not pay the bills. Here’s how I’m able to pay people even though I’m still in that struggling artist phase.
Hey Oniciais a series where I tap into my type-A side and answer questions from my friends about this starving artist life. If you find this helpful, share with your twitter homies or thank me with ice cream. Want to chat or collaborate? Holla at me!
First off, major side eye to people who blow mad cash on taxi rides, Beyonce concerts, and fast fashion while begging for free labor. Seriously, offering me five bucks so I can buy a pint of ice cream for things I do to pay the bills is less insulting than demanding it for free.
Save up and pay full rateI wish everyone could get their asking price. If you can afford it, pay it. You can’t build a business on free-99 services; you’ll even…

Creating Art I Love - Onicia Updates - February 2018

"You like me! You really like me!" Last month y'all made me feel like Sally Field at the Academy Awards. I asked to collaborate and y'all put me to work. I'll keep this brief because this month's update is super packed.
That's all I gotta say today. Keep recommending people I should collaborate with! Email me or shout at me on Twitter.

Upcoming EventsA Lill Annoyance Stand-Up Show (The Annoyance)
Stand-up Comedy
February 17, 2018

Feminist Happy Hour (Beauty Bar)
Stand-up comedy
March 14, 2018

This One Woman (Hopleaf Bar)
Storytelling
March 26, 2018
Published WritingsSucker's Garden It's finally here! My Caribbean audio drama that I co-wote and co-produced with Kimberly Meyers. It features voice talent by D.A. Robin, Adrienne Brandyburg, Kyle Patrick, Ty Riggs, James Gordon, and Ramiro Lynch. We also got press mentions in Caribbean Times721NewsSMN-NewsRobin MultimediaIsland VibezSXM Talks, and Pretty Witty.



JBF: Crappy Gameshows and Fake Hypnotists (…