Skip to main content

Immature Mermaid - Just Being Funny

“Sorry, the dollhouse is full.”

Those who know me know that my seemingly random quirks and habits are deeply rooted in past trauma. I’m a grudge holder with a long memory. I don't enjoy celebrating Christmas and most holidays. I especially don't like celebrating my birthday. The logic doesn’t add up: if my friends are grateful that I’m alive why am I the one spending money. My life if their gift; they should be giving me stuff.

It was my second year in kindergarten. I was determined to spend time in the school’s dollhouse. This house with its kid-sized furniture was the greatest thing ever. On the first floor, there was a living room and a kitchen complete with plastic dishes and food. On the second level, there were several pillows and plush toys. Entry was first come, first served.

The system was rigged. Our kindergarten teacher was running a botch social experiment about assertiveness and self-governance. The only kids who enjoyed the dollhouse were those who sat closest it. Complaining did nothing. Only the eternally hopeful would waste their break waiting.

On my 5th birthday, I brought treats for everyone. This day was magical. First, I got a special crown from my teacher. Then, I was escorted to the front of the dollhouse line. Can you imagine?! Did the universe realize I was cool and worthy of all the fabulous things? Later, an even cooler thing happen; I was invited to play mermaid! Mermaid was us girls doing mermaid things, living our mermaid life, and conquering mermaid challenges. I was a little mermaid! My day ended with pizza, everyone singing happy birthday. So caught up in being the K-2 It girl, I didn’t spend any time with my friends.

Would lightning strike twice? The next day during break, I rushed to chill with my new friends in the dollhouse. Instead of a warm welcome, I was told: “Sorry, the dollhouse is full.” Whomp. Whomp. Don’t take it personally. I’m sure my new friends would let me in if they could. When someone else skipped the line, I decided not to waste time waiting. Instead of hanging with Gary and Sheila in the sandbox infested with dragonflies, I tried to join the mermaid squad. “Not today. We have too many mermaids.” Wow, I didn't realize 5-year-olds were well-versed in mermaid population control policies.

A year later and I hadn’t learned my lesson about fake friends. On Gary and Sheila’s birthday, they invited me to be part of their entourage. However, a week later on my sixth birthday, I got caught up playing with the cool kids that I forgot about my true homies. I know. I know! I ain’t ish. The next day, after I’d played mermaids and given away all my pizza, I was back to being a nobody! That other girl, didn’t even choose me on her birthday – which was only a week later. How rude! Every April I relive this bad birthday experience from over two decades ago.

New year. Who dis? – XO Immature Mermaid.

What would you do? Tweet me using #JBFxOnicia

Created on St. Maarten. Based in Chicago. Onicia Muller (@OniciaMuller) writes, says funny things, and enjoys hanging with creative minds. Originally published in The Daily Herald's Weekender, Just Being Funny is a weekly reflection where Onicia laughs at life

Want more funny? Subscribe. Buy me ice cream. Share.
Onicia TwitterOnicia Muller Newletter Onicia Muller Facebook PageOnicia Muller YouTube

Popular posts from this blog

Where to Write When You’re Cheap and Broke? - Hey Onicia

My friend Annamarie from Dutch Alien Lands in the U.S. asked “where do you go to write? Or do you stay at home? It might have to do with the fact that we just moved, but I have to get a story off my chest and I can't seem to start at home. Is there a secret writer’s hotel or something?” Here’s what I told her about where to write when you’re cheap and broke.
Hey Onicia is a series where I tap into my type-A side and answer questions from my friends about this starving artist life. If you find this helpful, share with your twitter homies or thank me with ice cream. Want to chat or collaborate? Holla at me!
My sisters often encourage me to spend money on annual celebrations like holidays and birthdays because I work so hard and need to relax. My reply: spending money stresses me out. Staying at home doing nothing relaxes me. 
Write at a coffee shop or bookstore? How does one write under the constant pressure to spend money? During any given workday I drink 3-5 cups of tea. Who is payin…

How to Afford Hired Help When You’re Still A Struggling Artist? - Hey Onicia

In an interview with 2 and A Bottle,they asked how I afforded to hire an assistant for creative ventures. I am pro paying people for their work because artists die from exposure; ‘likes’ and retweets do not pay the bills. Here’s how I’m able to pay people even though I’m still in that struggling artist phase.
Hey Oniciais a series where I tap into my type-A side and answer questions from my friends about this starving artist life. If you find this helpful, share with your twitter homies or thank me with ice cream. Want to chat or collaborate? Holla at me!
First off, major side eye to people who blow mad cash on taxi rides, Beyonce concerts, and fast fashion while begging for free labor. Seriously, offering me five bucks so I can buy a pint of ice cream for things I do to pay the bills is less insulting than demanding it for free.
Save up and pay full rateI wish everyone could get their asking price. If you can afford it, pay it. You can’t build a business on free-99 services; you’ll even…

Creating Art I Love - Onicia Updates - February 2018

"You like me! You really like me!" Last month y'all made me feel like Sally Field at the Academy Awards. I asked to collaborate and y'all put me to work. I'll keep this brief because this month's update is super packed.
That's all I gotta say today. Keep recommending people I should collaborate with! Email me or shout at me on Twitter.

Upcoming EventsA Lill Annoyance Stand-Up Show (The Annoyance)
Stand-up Comedy
February 17, 2018

Feminist Happy Hour (Beauty Bar)
Stand-up comedy
March 14, 2018

This One Woman (Hopleaf Bar)
March 26, 2018
Published WritingsSucker's Garden It's finally here! My Caribbean audio drama that I co-wote and co-produced with Kimberly Meyers. It features voice talent by D.A. Robin, Adrienne Brandyburg, Kyle Patrick, Ty Riggs, James Gordon, and Ramiro Lynch. We also got press mentions in Caribbean Times721NewsSMN-NewsRobin MultimediaIsland VibezSXM Talks, and Pretty Witty.

JBF: Crappy Gameshows and Fake Hypnotists (…