Skip to main content

Neglectful Mother - Just Being Funny

Holy high heaven! The world was about to realize that I'm a neglectful mother.

My grade school girlfriend got pregnant during her first year in high school and asked me to be her godmother. Naive and not fully understanding, I asked for time to discuss with my parents before giving an answer. Naturally, my parents advised against it. If my friend died, I would be responsible for her child and raise them in their parent’s faith – even if it was different to mine. They doubled down on fear mongering by sharing teenage mothers mortality rates. “But if you’re up for the challenge, go for it!” I was thirteen going on fourteen and not up for parenting.



Ten years later, an older friend had the same request. I still wasn’t ready. I hadn’t started dating. I still wanted to see the world. More importantly, should they die, I would be responsible for their daughter. I’m no statistician, but I think middle-aged people have higher death rates than teenagers. (Knock on wood) I couldn’t risk it.

Reasoning with them was impossible. Despite being financially dependent on my parents and unable to file taxes independently, they insisted that I was their person. “You’ll grow into the role and there will be lots of opportunities to practice.” What is this, an entry-level job description?

Wanted: entry-level godmother. Must love kids. On-the-job training available. Submit references with resume and cover letter.

We finally met at my goddaughter’s first birthday party. I didn't know how to hold a baby. More importantly, I hadn’t mastered saying her name. But I was living at home now, so I needed to make an effort to have a meaningful relationship. At the time of writing this post, I’ve spent a grand total of four hours with my goddaughter. Talk about quality over quantity.

Not done traveling the world and left without saying goodbye. Like most neglectful parents I needed something to ease the guilt. However, instead of doing something practical like calling each weekend, I hung her photo on her wall.

Dear Neglected Goddaughter,Hope you’re growing into a dynamic young person. Thoughts and prayers from the Windy City. - Mommy O.

The guilt was real. I had this recurring nightmare where my goddaughter was a successful NBA player giving television interviews. “Shout out to my parents and Big O – my absentee godmother.” The rest of the dream was me trying to make up for lost time without being labeled a gold digger.

The guilt subsides eventually, and deadbeat parents move on with our lives. But one day, Facebook will recommend your estranged offspring as a friend. Then you’ll realize how quickly the one year to “find yourself” quickly turns into one decade of neglect.

What would you do? Tweet me using #JBFxOnicia


Created on St. Maarten. Based in Chicago. Onicia Muller (@OniciaMuller) writes, says funny things, and enjoys hanging with creative minds. Originally published in The Daily Herald's Weekender, Just Being Funny is a weekly reflection where Onicia laughs at life


Want more funny? Subscribe. Buy me ice cream. Share.
Onicia TwitterOnicia Muller Newletter Onicia Muller Facebook PageOnicia Muller YouTube





Popular posts from this blog

How to Submit More with Hopefully Better Results - Hey Onicia

Are you an aspiring screenwriter who rushes applications for random submission opportunities? Do application fees feel more like impulse purchases versus strategic career investments? Does rejection fatigue and anxiety make you unable to write until the next late-notice opportunity pops up?
Good news! You’re not unlucky; you’re unprepared. Here’s how screenwriters can submit more with hopefully better outcomes – or at least free you from the anxiety cycle caused by rushed submissions.
Hey Onicia is a series where I tap into my type-A side and answer questions from my friends about this starving artist life. If you find this helpful, share with your twitter homies or thank me with ice cream. Want to chat or collaborate? Holla at me!
Don’t put the cart before the donkey Focus on writing a great script and then search for appropriate opportunities. Jeffery Lieber (Miami Medical, NCIS: New Orleans) often advises writers to skip screenwriting contests. Screenwriters should instead move to L…

Creative Growth - Onicia Update - May 2018

When I started this newsletter in January 2016, I used it to hold myself accountable. How can I call myself a writer if my words are never published? How do I call myself a performer if I never stand on a stage? How do I prove that I get ish done (am a successful project manager) if I don't produce receipts? Most importantly, how do I stay motivated if I never revisit past accomplishments?
May marks one year of consistently publishing my Onicia Updates (thanks, LT in the City). This month's letter features more published writings, cool creatives I fangirl for, and a few throwback portfolio items.
I'm not where I want to be, but I'm also not where I used to be.
That's all I gotta say today. Got something I should see or someone I should collaborate with? Email me or shout at me on Twitter. Upcoming Events Here where you might find me socializing and performing.
Feminist Prom - Rebellious Magazine May 19 at The Living Room The Skewer - Cafe Mustache June 6 Louder Than …

True Stories and Faithful Friends - Onicia Updates - August 2018

Aight, so what have I been up to? Oh you know, just the usual: slapping words together and creating dope art with cool people. Last month we filmed my episode of Pre-Existing. I'm so thankful that Lissette was there to direct. Lissette works well under pressure and she's was so amazing and reading my mood and redirecting my energy. Bruh, with friends like these.
I also said goodbye to a dear Chicago friend. This month's ENTIRE Fangirlin' section is dedicated the talented Ms. Candice Lola <3


Shout out my fabulous collaborators: David Audino (executive producer/cinematographer), Lissette Hall (producer/director/cheerleader), Sandy Lee (actor), Sonal Aggarwal (actor), Greg Callozzo (actor), Kyle Hendrix (production assistant), Ashley Connell (on-set producer), and Nick Torres (production assitant/cheerleader).
That's all I gotta say today. Got something I should see or someone I should collaborate with? Email me or shout at me on Twitter. Upcoming EventsThe Kates …