Skip to main content

An Ashy Indian Lover - Just Being Funny

I was looking for the right person to fill a vacancy. I wanted to be about diversity and equal opportunity. With that mindset, I decided to go on my first date with an Indian male. What? I didn't say I was an employer. I said I had a vacancy that needed to be filled; that vacancy was in my heart. #Puke.

Honestly, his profile was forgettable, but because his first message was not sexual and we lived within a small distance from each other, accepted his offer to meet up. No, I was not attracted to him in the least, but I was also trying that thing where I didn't base everything on looks. I tried to convince myself that I might be a person who could look beyond physical appearances and grow to love someone based on their character alone. We skip the pen pall phase and cut straight to meeting at a cafe. This was going to be my first charity date. I was ninety-nine percent sure that we would not hit it off, however, as an international student, I empathized with being alone in a big country and was willing to be campus buddies.

I'm at the subway station, where I spot this super scruffy brown dude leaning against the wall. Super casual. He doesn't appear to be waiting on someone. Disappointed. The only other people is a white dude, the subway attendant, and the donut shop person. He looks nothing like his profile photo. How you have the nerve to look worse than an already bad photo? Homie looked like he was living a rough life; worse than someone residing in a storage room, who only ate instant ramen, and showered at gyms because they didn't have a real apartment. I know someone who lived that life! His five dollar Polo, basic mom jeans, and -- wait for it -- open-toed, dollar store slippers, did not lead me to believe he was waiting for a first date. Now, I slum with the best of hobos, but I doubted that homeboy was searching for love so much as he was about to walk down the road in search of Chinese food.

We go to a nearby sandwich shop. Looking back, I don't think we were ever on a date. Mister skipped the pleasantries and began a very aggressive job interview? He grilled me about whether I thought our school was the best, why I decided to be a writing major, and my thoughts on tuition? Dread, ain't we both already enrolled? Please ask the admissions department, not me. "What are you going to do with that degree? Will you make money? Are you a good writer?" Luv, we are both from the third world and you are not my parent.

The date ends as I finish my sandwich. I needed to get away from Mr.  Hummus and his ashy toes. Yes, I was still disturbed that he came on a date with his un-lotioned toes exposed! Homeboy’s toes were so ashy if he used an entire bucket of lotion he would still need three buckets to complete the job. At home, I send my official thanks, but no thanks. 

“Why don't you want to date me?” he asks. I reply, “I'm not required to want to date you or explain my choices." #BeAssertive. "I'm down for friendship." #MixedMessages.

Weeks later, I receive a message on a different platform. Level-five clinger?! Diablo! "...We already dated and I'm not interested." A week later: ‘I know! That was a mistake!” You're right that date was a mistake. Stop screaming at me and go lotion yuh feet!

What would you do? Tweet me using #JBFxOnicia

Created on St. Maarten. Based in Chicago. Onicia Muller (@OniciaMuller) writes, says funny things, and enjoys hanging with creative minds. Originally published in The Daily Herald's Weekender, Just Being Funny is a weekly reflection where Onicia laughs at life

Want more funny? Subscribe. Buy me ice cream. Share.
Onicia TwitterOnicia Muller Newletter Onicia Muller Facebook PageOnicia Muller YouTube

Popular posts from this blog

Creative Growth - Onicia Update - May 2018

When I started this newsletter in January 2016, I used it to hold myself accountable. How can I call myself a writer if my words are never published? How do I call myself a performer if I never stand on a stage? How do I prove that I get ish done (am a successful project manager) if I don't produce receipts? Most importantly, how do I stay motivated if I never revisit past accomplishments?
May marks one year of consistently publishing my Onicia Updates (thanks, LT in the City). This month's letter features more published writings, cool creatives I fangirl for, and a few throwback portfolio items.
I'm not where I want to be, but I'm also not where I used to be.
That's all I gotta say today. Got something I should see or someone I should collaborate with? Email me or shout at me on Twitter. Upcoming Events Here where you might find me socializing and performing.
Feminist Prom - Rebellious Magazine May 19 at The Living Room The Skewer - Cafe Mustache June 6 Louder Than …

Writing all da Words - Onicia Updates - July 2018

Holy hotdog it is hot in Chicago -- like Caribbean hot! This is the summer of adulting; I'm using a coaster and choosing water over soda. Well, I'm not really a sugary drink person, but I try to get at least one when I go to parties. 
Last month, I reunited with my friend Alicia Music in DC to attend IGNITE Caribbean's 30 Under 30 award ceremony. Virginia is so beautiful. I love the hills and greenery. Between enjoying Five Guys, ice cream, and cherry danishes, I managed to squeeze in a salad or three. Told y'all this was the summer of adulting. It's been about 10 (maybe 15) years since I'd been to America's capital. Funny enough, I choose to pajamas that I'd purchased during me previous DC trip. Yuh gyal still got it!
Lately, I've been freaking out about how much I need/want to do before summer ends. I write thoughts I want to meditate on my whiteboard. Andrew Peterson inspired the quote "be kind to yourself." When it feels like I'm …

True Stories and Faithful Friends - Onicia Updates - August 2018

Aight, so what have I been up to? Oh you know, just the usual: slapping words together and creating dope art with cool people. Last month we filmed my episode of Pre-Existing. I'm so thankful that Lissette was there to direct. Lissette works well under pressure and she's was so amazing and reading my mood and redirecting my energy. Bruh, with friends like these.
I also said goodbye to a dear Chicago friend. This month's ENTIRE Fangirlin' section is dedicated the talented Ms. Candice Lola <3

Shout out my fabulous collaborators: David Audino (executive producer/cinematographer), Lissette Hall (producer/director/cheerleader), Sandy Lee (actor), Sonal Aggarwal (actor), Greg Callozzo (actor), Kyle Hendrix (production assistant), Ashley Connell (on-set producer), and Nick Torres (production assitant/cheerleader).
That's all I gotta say today. Got something I should see or someone I should collaborate with? Email me or shout at me on Twitter. Upcoming EventsThe Kates …