Skip to main content

Mexican Yoghurt Thief - Just Being Funny

“Yes, I hope she choke on it.”

Serving a ten-year prison sentence in Mexico was not the way I envisioned celebrating my twenty-third birthday. God, please don’t let my life become the sequel to Brokedown Palace.

It wasn’t my choice to live in a 20-bed hostel, but after witnessing the Euro’s spending power, I’d definitely do it again. Weekly manicures and triple-scoop ice cream desserts -- we were the queens of Monterrey. No longer afraid of contracting Bird Flu or being taken by the Mexican cartel, my only concern was passing Spanish 101 and making out with a hot cabana boy. Unfortunately instead Stella in How Stella Got Her Groove Back, I became the lead detective in my own Nancy Drew-type novel: Onicia Drew and the Case of the Mexican Yoghurt Thief.

As hostel life goes, we were limited to one shelf in the shared refrigerator. Every week, I bought a specific amount of yogurts to meet my breakfast dairy needs. When I found myself short a few yogurts, I had to collect my proverbial balls and confront my roommate. “Hey girl, I know we’re living together, and I’m cool with that but can you let me know when you’re eating the last of something? Now I have a bunch of granola bars and no yogurt.”

After giving me a look that told me she was holding back a wave of choice words, the roommate explained that she had not taken my cups of fermented milk blended with mushy fruits. An unfortunate awkward moment that was exactly why I prefer passive aggressive methods. A few weeks passed, and more cups of tart and tangy mammal milk went missing.

The hotel owner’s response to our complaint was to stick a warning on the fridge: No molestes el yogur de la niña. Sarcasm: oh yeah, a stern written warning was definitely going to solve our food issues. Because a person who blatantly disobeys the unspoken laws of a shared refrigerator would somehow learn to act right when there’s a sign telling them not to. Those ABC magnets really inspire fear. When the yogurt thief struck again, it was time to take surveillance into our own hands.

One day we came home and found that someone was cooking ground beef. Them using every stove burner and every pot in the kitchen didn’t bother us. However, using OUR GROUND BEEF caused us to snap and nearly end up on an episode of National Geographic’s Locked Up Abroad! The yogurt thief expanded their criminal enterprise to include both dairy and meat products. Sure, it a logical step but this is not a business class; this was war.

We sprinkled a random assortment of spices, condiments, and other edible and inedible items into the pot. Did we spit in that food? Some details are for your death bed. Then, like true Millennials, we went to our room and shared the situation in a vlog. The coughing and choking sounds continued for longer than anticipated. Maniacal laughing changed to silence and wide-eyed stares. Did we unintentionally cross the line between harmless prank and criminal offense? She survived. We never again had to worry about stolen food. Most importantly, I never saw the inside of a Mexican prison. Moral: Won't start nothin' there won't be nothin'.

What would you do? Tweet me using #JBFxOnicia

Created on St. Maarten. Based in Chicago. Onicia Muller (@OniciaMuller) writes, says funny things, and enjoys hanging with creative minds. Originally published in The Daily Herald's Weekender, Just Being Funny is a weekly reflection where Onicia laughs at life

Want more funny? Subscribe. Buy me ice cream. Share.
Onicia TwitterOnicia Muller Newletter Onicia Muller Facebook PageOnicia Muller YouTube

Popular posts from this blog

How to Submit More with Hopefully Better Results - Hey Onicia

Are you an aspiring screenwriter who rushes applications for random submission opportunities? Do application fees feel more like impulse purchases versus strategic career investments? Does rejection fatigue and anxiety make you unable to write until the next late-notice opportunity pops up?
Good news! You’re not unlucky; you’re unprepared. Here’s how screenwriters can submit more with hopefully better outcomes – or at least free you from the anxiety cycle caused by rushed submissions.
Hey Onicia is a series where I tap into my type-A side and answer questions from my friends about this starving artist life. If you find this helpful, share with your twitter homies or thank me with ice cream. Want to chat or collaborate? Holla at me!
Don’t put the cart before the donkey Focus on writing a great script and then search for appropriate opportunities. Jeffery Lieber (Miami Medical, NCIS: New Orleans) often advises writers to skip screenwriting contests. Screenwriters should instead move to L…

Creative Growth - Onicia Update - May 2018

When I started this newsletter in January 2016, I used it to hold myself accountable. How can I call myself a writer if my words are never published? How do I call myself a performer if I never stand on a stage? How do I prove that I get ish done (am a successful project manager) if I don't produce receipts? Most importantly, how do I stay motivated if I never revisit past accomplishments?
May marks one year of consistently publishing my Onicia Updates (thanks, LT in the City). This month's letter features more published writings, cool creatives I fangirl for, and a few throwback portfolio items.
I'm not where I want to be, but I'm also not where I used to be.
That's all I gotta say today. Got something I should see or someone I should collaborate with? Email me or shout at me on Twitter. Upcoming Events Here where you might find me socializing and performing.
Feminist Prom - Rebellious Magazine May 19 at The Living Room The Skewer - Cafe Mustache June 6 Louder Than …

True Stories and Faithful Friends - Onicia Updates - August 2018

Aight, so what have I been up to? Oh you know, just the usual: slapping words together and creating dope art with cool people. Last month we filmed my episode of Pre-Existing. I'm so thankful that Lissette was there to direct. Lissette works well under pressure and she's was so amazing and reading my mood and redirecting my energy. Bruh, with friends like these.
I also said goodbye to a dear Chicago friend. This month's ENTIRE Fangirlin' section is dedicated the talented Ms. Candice Lola <3

Shout out my fabulous collaborators: David Audino (executive producer/cinematographer), Lissette Hall (producer/director/cheerleader), Sandy Lee (actor), Sonal Aggarwal (actor), Greg Callozzo (actor), Kyle Hendrix (production assistant), Ashley Connell (on-set producer), and Nick Torres (production assitant/cheerleader).
That's all I gotta say today. Got something I should see or someone I should collaborate with? Email me or shout at me on Twitter. Upcoming EventsThe Kates …