Skip to main content

Flirty thumb wrestling - Just Being Funny

On our fourth date, Roberto gifted me his Christian dating book. Apparently, there are five dating levels. He was ready for us to enter the second level. Each level came with instructions for physical boundaries. 

Level 3 was where things would – nay, could – get exciting. Then we could have “face-to-face” contact. I was almost certain that meant kissing, but from the way things were going, this could very well just be us rubbing our cheeks together. Maybe he was into more alternative forms of intimacy and wanted to experiment with rubbing our foreheads together. Ey, every lock has a key! No judgment.

At level 2, we had limited hand holding and flirty thumb fights. I was only allowed to touch exposed body parts. If he wore a cap sleeve t-shirt, I could only touch him all the way up to the hem of that sleeve. If he wore a long sleeve button down, I could only touch up to his wrist. His body is a wonderland with restrictive visiting hours. But I'm not here to bash lifestyle choices or rob dudes of their armpit virginity. 

I had to leave for several months for a school project. Business before bros, amarite? Without the complexity of distance dating, I doubted the relationship would last. Every time I saw Roberto, I thought, God, why doesn’t he look like his profile photo? Why won't his skin tan? I wasn’t trying to be a colorist, but I didn’t realize black people could be described as having a pasty complexion. Help him, melanin gods. Help!

After our second video chat, we decided that we should focus on what's happening in our respective cities. The relationship didn’t require that type of commitment. We’d reconnect when I returned. 

I used that time to focus on all the nice things Roberto did. His personality. Sigh, you know a relationship ain’t going to last when you have to focus on someone’s personality as a distraction from their face. Woooi. 

When I returned, our first date was chilling in the student hall for some burgers, fries, and Bible study. Fresh off of blessing the food, he says “I’ve been praying. I think we should take a step back.” Well, dang. Normally, I would be too sad to eat, but I never pass up a free meal. 

It finally clicked why he didn't want to hug or hold my hand as we walked to the burger place. I reviewed his mom jeans, his scraggly facial hair, and pasty skin. “I’m fine with breaking up.”

He was stunned. I didn't beg. I didn't cry. Did I even blink? Nah, a bish was cold. All he wanted was a ‘step back’, but I hit him with a “Issa no from me. How ‘bout you, Simon?”
The only thing I questioned – and still question – is what's “a step back” from hand holding?  Strangers? It must be because that’s exactly what we are now. Tweet me if you have the answer.

Shout out to all those who look like their profile photos and ain’t afraid to do a little flirty thumb wrestling. 

What would you do? Tweet me using #JBFxOnicia

Created on St. Maarten. Based in Chicago. Onicia Muller (@OniciaMuller) writes, says funny things, and enjoys hanging with creative minds. Originally published in The Daily Herald's Weekender, Just Being Funny is a weekly reflection where Onicia laughs at life

Want more funny? Subscribe. Buy me ice cream. Share.

Popular posts from this blog

Unashamed Fangirl - Onicia Updates - October 2018

Newsletters don't always have to be exclusively about me. October is dedicated to Shouting out friends and their new projects. That's all I gotta say today. Got something I should see or someone I should collaborate with? Email me or shout at me on Twitter.
Fangirlin' Just a few of my friends who create dope ish.

Spicy Chicken Sandwich - Monthly Comedy Show
October 18 (and Every third Thursday) at Under the Gun Theater at 8 PM. Tickets: $5
A very weird, very cool monthly comedy/variety show featuring stand-up, sketches, characters, multimedia presentations, and more! Every show features a new spicy chicken from a local restaurant, for no reason at all. Produced by Robert Flanagan, Chad Weaver, Lucia Whalen, Lily Schulder, and Lyn-Z Harney.

Men who break their own hearts (Candice Lola)
Excuse me, kind miss, but may I lean on you for the payment of my company on your walk?
And because she was taught to be gracious, she allowed it. They walked along the path, making small talk a…

Nothing to Say - Onicia Updates - November 2018

Sooo, I find myself in a bit of a predicament. I want to send 12 newsletters this year but this month I have nothing to say. I thought about doing a year in review or thankful edition but I kinda don't have the energy to put together a 'meaty' letter. So what can I do to keep the train going and provide value? Yuck. 'Provide value'.
I could talk about my plans for 2019 but I've found it better and less stressful to share things that have come into fruition vs. prematurely telling you about projects. I thought about dropping links to all the media I consumed this month but meh, I'm tired. So tired I don't even want to proofread this letter.
Confession: I haven't washed my hair in over 5 weeks. I'm enjoying one of the best flat irons of my life. Sigh. I haven't been up to much. Just bumming it at home, listening to podcast and audio books, something something. Let's keep this short because that's all I gotta say today. Got something I…

Winnifred Jong’s “Tokens on Call” is a Masterclass in Woke Storytelling

You know a series is great when you feel the same or more excitement when watching it a second time around. I had to wait about two years, but Tokens was worth the wait. Winnifred Jong’s Tokens is a masterclass in woke storytelling.

As a viewer, Tokens was a fun ride with lots of surprises and instantly lovable characters. Jong’s storytelling is educational without feeling like an afterschool special.

As a screenwriter, I was confronted with all the tired tropes that I’d picked up and unintentionally repeating in my work. Rewatching the series was a great study in how to flip the script on race and gender issues without being heavy-handed or preachy.

In the eight 5-minute episodes were featured multiple storylines that came together for a fresh and fun viewing experience. I wish there were more Bettys (Shelley Thompson) in the casting world.

After watching the series, I daydreamed about how much more exciting the storytelling world would be if there were more diversity in gender, rac…