Skip to main content

Smuggling contraband Sharon Stone style - Just Being Funny


“Why are we wasting time? There’s no point to all these new measures if gate security is just going to look at me -- and girls like me -- and not search us. You see pigtails, cute faces, and assume we’re not carrying drugs or weapons.”

I doubt anyone remembered my monolog, but it felt cool to say something that implied I was a bad girl while pointing out gender biases. 

My foray into smuggling was unintentional. One time during a morning check, security discovered a massive screwdriver in my bag. “Oh, I was doing an experiment in my yard. I must have forgotten it.” Without question, he returned the weapon -- because that’s what it could have been -- and sent me on my way.

“Why are your eyes red?” asked the guard.

“Because I went to bed with mascara on and now my eyes are irritated.” I was blunt and unconcerned. My excuse seemed legitimate, and he waved me into the campus. I was never selected for random drug testing. 

They interrupted a would-be uninspiring Economy class for a surprise security check. Rebecca was the lucky winner of today’s random search lottery. Tardiness, a lighter, Visine, dark lips, breath mints, a Bob Marley drawstring bag, and no textbooks. Com’on, you don’t need Scooby Doo and the entire gang to solve this mystery! The clues were overwhelming. I reapplied my lip balm while waiting to see if they would take her for questioning.

“Alright. Have a seat Miss and don’t be late again.” He said with a thick Curacaolaan accent.
Under normal circumstances, I had no need to smuggle contraband. However, if they were going to let everyone slide, why not have fun?! I was a bored good girl determined to spice up my time in purgatory.

The uninventive tried and failed to sneak phones and other blacklisted items in their shoes and baggy pants. Girls with overdeveloped mammary glands used their bras to carry illicit items. They rationalized the metal detectors beeping on their multiple gold and silver chains. I was not blessed in that way. Hiding behind femininity and the threat of sexual harassment was child’s play. 

I aspired to be iconic. Before we knew of Joanne the Scammer, Sharon Stone was the most infamous femme fetale.

I wrapped the phone in my hair and decorated the square bun with chopsticks. I passed my at-home ‘bend and shake’ test. I’d learned from the rookies who’s phones fell out of their hair when they bent over to remove their shoes. Their first mistake was trying to hide a Nokia – A BIG OL’E NOKIA – in their struggle strands. Oh, baby. What is you trying to do? You goin’ need lengths and some tracks to pull off a Golden Globe-winning stunt like this. As Sharon (Ginger McKenna) would say “I wouldn't do that if I were you. I wouldn't do that.”

Hugs and kisses to the criminals with the struggle edges. Shout out to the security guards who leave no stone unturned during their checks.


What would you do? Tweet me using #JBFxOnicia


Created on St. Maarten. Based in Chicago. Onicia Muller (@OniciaMuller) writes, says funny things, and enjoys hanging with creative minds. Originally published in The Daily Herald's Weekender, Just Being Funny is a weekly reflection where Onicia laughs at life


Want more funny? Subscribe. Buy me ice cream. Share.

Popular posts from this blog

How to Submit More with Hopefully Better Results - Hey Onicia

Are you an aspiring screenwriter who rushes applications for random submission opportunities? Do application fees feel more like impulse purchases versus strategic career investments? Does rejection fatigue and anxiety make you unable to write until the next late-notice opportunity pops up?
Good news! You’re not unlucky; you’re unprepared. Here’s how screenwriters can submit more with hopefully better outcomes – or at least free you from the anxiety cycle caused by rushed submissions.
Hey Onicia is a series where I tap into my type-A side and answer questions from my friends about this starving artist life. If you find this helpful, share with your twitter homies or thank me with ice cream. Want to chat or collaborate? Holla at me!
Don’t put the cart before the donkey Focus on writing a great script and then search for appropriate opportunities. Jeffery Lieber (Miami Medical, NCIS: New Orleans) often advises writers to skip screenwriting contests. Screenwriters should instead move to L…

Creative Growth - Onicia Update - May 2018

When I started this newsletter in January 2016, I used it to hold myself accountable. How can I call myself a writer if my words are never published? How do I call myself a performer if I never stand on a stage? How do I prove that I get ish done (am a successful project manager) if I don't produce receipts? Most importantly, how do I stay motivated if I never revisit past accomplishments?
May marks one year of consistently publishing my Onicia Updates (thanks, LT in the City). This month's letter features more published writings, cool creatives I fangirl for, and a few throwback portfolio items.
I'm not where I want to be, but I'm also not where I used to be.
That's all I gotta say today. Got something I should see or someone I should collaborate with? Email me or shout at me on Twitter. Upcoming Events Here where you might find me socializing and performing.
Feminist Prom - Rebellious Magazine May 19 at The Living Room The Skewer - Cafe Mustache June 6 Louder Than …

True Stories and Faithful Friends - Onicia Updates - August 2018

Aight, so what have I been up to? Oh you know, just the usual: slapping words together and creating dope art with cool people. Last month we filmed my episode of Pre-Existing. I'm so thankful that Lissette was there to direct. Lissette works well under pressure and she's was so amazing and reading my mood and redirecting my energy. Bruh, with friends like these.
I also said goodbye to a dear Chicago friend. This month's ENTIRE Fangirlin' section is dedicated the talented Ms. Candice Lola <3


Shout out my fabulous collaborators: David Audino (executive producer/cinematographer), Lissette Hall (producer/director/cheerleader), Sandy Lee (actor), Sonal Aggarwal (actor), Greg Callozzo (actor), Kyle Hendrix (production assistant), Ashley Connell (on-set producer), and Nick Torres (production assitant/cheerleader).
That's all I gotta say today. Got something I should see or someone I should collaborate with? Email me or shout at me on Twitter. Upcoming EventsThe Kates …