Skip to main content

Bathroom Experiments - Just Being Funny

In case you missed the memo, I am neurotic and obsessive. I keep score of everything. It’s why I remember with such clarity that the Mermaid police snubbed on my birthday way back in kindergarten. 

My former roommate, Rebecca’s excessive use of toilet paper pushed me to conduct a series of bathroom experiments. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with that information. Hopefully, finding answers to these personal hygiene questions would help me sleep better at night. There’s something comforting about quantifiable evidence should clapback be needed.

Experiment 1: over and under
I noticed the toilet paper roll was facing under (behind the roll). Sometimes you’re in a rush and put it the wrong way. I get it. So, I adjusted it for her. They next morning, the roll was back in its original position. Was she intentionally being a bathroom psycho? I check her toothpaste tube. The results were inconclusive. I flipped the roll again just in case I imagined it. 

When the TP returned to the under position, I realized that fixing it was a losing battle. I should sleep with one eye open because Rebecca just might be a serial killer. After all, she allowed me to live with her without a thorough background check.

Obviously, she wasn’t because I’m writing this, but she very well could have been!

Experiment 2: trash day
I suspected that Rebecca wasn’t cleaning. To prove this, I decided to stop using the bathroom trash. If it couldn’t be flushed, it would go in my bedroom waste bin.

The trash was full in three days. Four days after reaching ‘overfull’ status, she still hadn’t emptied it. Wads of paper fell to the floor, and she refused to find two minutes to empty the bin. Hot Pancakes! At least try to flush some of it. I emptied the trash on day fourteen. 

Experiment 3: roll count
I'm not a hardcore counter, but I try to use about 3 to 6 poo tickets to wipe my front. It's not a hard rule; use depends on your pH balance. If your box is a little frowsy, you might want an extra square or two – maybe even a wet wipe.

When our jumbo pack of 24 rolls was done in two months, I decided to do an audit. I hid a new roll in the medicine cabinet (we didn’t put anything in there). My gyal cleared her roll on the hanger in two days. Do you know how expensive toilet paper is?! On day three, I still had a half roll. Did she have plumbing issues? Butt seriously (see what I did there?), she’s the reason why I can’t go Dutch on general cleaning supplies. Rebecca was straight wrapping the paper around her palm.

If my rent wasn’t super inexpensive, I would have broken our lease. Real talk.

Shout out to all the people who dry their feet before stepping on the mat, hang the toilet paper over the roll, and squeeze from the end of the tube.


What would you do? Tweet me using #JBFxOnicia


Created on St. Maarten. Based in Chicago. Onicia Muller (@OniciaMuller) writes, says funny things, and enjoys hanging with creative minds. Originally published in The Daily Herald's Weekender, Just Being Funny is a weekly reflection where Onicia laughs at life


Want more funny? Subscribe. Buy me ice cream. Share.

Popular posts from this blog

Winnifred Jong’s “Tokens on Call” is a Masterclass in Woke Storytelling

You know a series is great when you feel the same or more excitement when watching it a second time around. I had to wait about two years, but Tokens was worth the wait. Winnifred Jong’s Tokens is a masterclass in woke storytelling.

As a viewer, Tokens was a fun ride with lots of surprises and instantly lovable characters. Jong’s storytelling is educational without feeling like an afterschool special.

As a screenwriter, I was confronted with all the tired tropes that I’d picked up and unintentionally repeating in my work. Rewatching the series was a great study in how to flip the script on race and gender issues without being heavy-handed or preachy.

In the eight 5-minute episodes were featured multiple storylines that came together for a fresh and fun viewing experience. I wish there were more Bettys (Shelley Thompson) in the casting world.

After watching the series, I daydreamed about how much more exciting the storytelling world would be if there were more diversity in gender, rac…

Unashamed Fangirl - Onicia Updates - October 2018

Newsletters don't always have to be exclusively about me. October is dedicated to Shouting out friends and their new projects. That's all I gotta say today. Got something I should see or someone I should collaborate with? Email me or shout at me on Twitter.
Fangirlin' Just a few of my friends who create dope ish.

Spicy Chicken Sandwich - Monthly Comedy Show
October 18 (and Every third Thursday) at Under the Gun Theater at 8 PM. Tickets: $5
A very weird, very cool monthly comedy/variety show featuring stand-up, sketches, characters, multimedia presentations, and more! Every show features a new spicy chicken from a local restaurant, for no reason at all. Produced by Robert Flanagan, Chad Weaver, Lucia Whalen, Lily Schulder, and Lyn-Z Harney.

Men who break their own hearts (Candice Lola)
Excuse me, kind miss, but may I lean on you for the payment of my company on your walk?
And because she was taught to be gracious, she allowed it. They walked along the path, making small talk a…

Nothing to Say - Onicia Updates - November 2018

Sooo, I find myself in a bit of a predicament. I want to send 12 newsletters this year but this month I have nothing to say. I thought about doing a year in review or thankful edition but I kinda don't have the energy to put together a 'meaty' letter. So what can I do to keep the train going and provide value? Yuck. 'Provide value'.
I could talk about my plans for 2019 but I've found it better and less stressful to share things that have come into fruition vs. prematurely telling you about projects. I thought about dropping links to all the media I consumed this month but meh, I'm tired. So tired I don't even want to proofread this letter.
Confession: I haven't washed my hair in over 5 weeks. I'm enjoying one of the best flat irons of my life. Sigh. I haven't been up to much. Just bumming it at home, listening to podcast and audio books, something something. Let's keep this short because that's all I gotta say today. Got something I…