I needed a relaxer. My roots were grown out, and I had a special event at 7 PM. Although my mom had given me a hundred, I was determined to only spend fifty. So, I rolled up to my semi-regular stylists and put in my request. Question: Why do hairstylists always try to trash the […]
Want to know a deep dark secret? I used to be hooked on smutty romance novels. I know. I KNOW! The worst thing about romance novels—besides the writing—is the covers. O. M. G. Dear book cover designers: If we, romance readers, needed visuals we would watch porn. Periodt. Putting saucy images on a romance novel […]
Am I the only person who regularly checks their spam folder? Sure, my spam folder is mostly fake princes, MLM scams, and lenders trying to bully me into repaying my student loans. What? That last one isn’t spamming and I should take it seriously? Name one person you know who has paid off their student […]
I’m in bed when I hear my roommate walk from her bedroom to the kitchen. Now I can’t sleep because I’m wondering what she’s up to at three in the morning. She’s the type of person to “mop” the entire kitchen floor with half a roll of triple-ply napkins instead of using well… a mop. […]
I finally achieved my big goal for 2020: Just Being Funny is syndicated and now reaching thousands of readers! Sadly the world is on fire, and I’m not really in a celebratory mood. As a public figure of sorts, I guess I should make a statement. Black Lives Matter. That’s it. That’s the statement. Here […]
Enjoying a three-course restaurant meal is nice. Not just appetizer, entree, dessert. I’m talking about a curated meal and full cultural experience; entree, side dishes, chopping of the hand for skipping the bill. You know, a full cultural experience. We’re at this authentic Pakistani restaurant where people eat with their hands. The food was so […]
Did you know that being married statistically increases your odds of waking up next to a dead person?bookings[at]oniciamuller[dot]com
I read a headline: “I want to break up with my boyfriend, but we’re self-isolating together.” Wow. I get that marriage and dating can be tough, but I can’t relate to people who claim to be ‘stuck’ in a relationship. Is your partner holding a gun to your head? I had a friend whose partner […]
Was the IT guy trying to break the world record for longest small talk session? Well, I had important scumbag temp employee things to do like admire my cute hair in the mirror and drink all the free hot chocolate. Most importantly, I had to complete twenty-five of hopefully one hundred squats before the morning’s […]