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Just Be A Ballsy Billionaire - Just Being Funny



“The furniture isn't decorative. Please, have a seat.”


It was day three of a little game I’d created called ‘Dare to Sit: Rich vs. Rich'. I’d taken a temporary gig as a receptionist for a billionaire. Yeah, B for Billions. My employer had Oprah money. Cue cash register sound effect. ‘Dare to Sit’ challenged supposedly wealthy financial advisors and general money men to sit on ‘so valuable it belongs in a museum’ furniture while waiting for their meeting. Fewer than half the guests accepted my challenge. Less than a third leveled up and accepted a drink while they waited.

When you’re a billionaire, no one visits you unexpectedly. On my first day, I was searching for the entrance when a voice from an unseen speaker called out “Are you Onicia?”. I turned in a circle and looked at the sky, was this God or schizophrenia? Neither. The unseen voice directed me to the entrance. Lesson: millionaires have cameras at the gate. Billionaires have cameras and two-way communication systems around the block!

Billionaires are workaholics and usually have a home or living quarters inside their office. Shout out to all my work-form-home comrades wearing fluffy robes; we’re doing it right. As the temporary, executive gatekeeper, my job was to vet everyone who came to and near the property.



Tourists snapping photos? Ma’am the museum is on the other side of the street.

Person relieving their dog? Sir, please clean up after your pet. Sir, don’t walk away, we can see you.

“Yo, the bathroom has real gold sculptures and ish!”
Fed up with my gushing on the wonders of the mega rich, my roommate snapped “Man, screw the one percent and their luxuries! I dare you to take a dump in the bathroom.”


Would I dare to place my near-poverty-line butt on the same toilet as the one percent? Could I drop a protest deuce? On my final day, after everyone had left, I dropped my undies, dared to sit and dropped a deuce. I hadn’t relieved myself all day. Yes, I flushed and cleaned up after myself. Why? The symbolic protest was against the rich, not the working class.


What would you do? Tweet me using #JBFxOnicia


Created on St. Maarten. Based in Chicago. Onicia Muller (@OniciaMuller) writes, says funny things, and enjoys hanging with creative minds. Originally published in The Daily Herald's Weekender, Just Being Funny is a weekly reflection where Onicia laughs at life


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