Skip to main content

Smuggling contraband Sharon Stone style - Just Being Funny


“Why are we wasting time? There’s no point to all these new measures if gate security is just going to look at me -- and girls like me -- and not search us. You see pigtails, cute faces, and assume we’re not carrying drugs or weapons.”

I doubt anyone remembered my monolog, but it felt cool to say something that implied I was a bad girl while pointing out gender biases. 

My foray into smuggling was unintentional. One time during a morning check, security discovered a massive screwdriver in my bag. “Oh, I was doing an experiment in my yard. I must have forgotten it.” Without question, he returned the weapon -- because that’s what it could have been -- and sent me on my way.

“Why are your eyes red?” asked the guard.

“Because I went to bed with mascara on and now my eyes are irritated.” I was blunt and unconcerned. My excuse seemed legitimate, and he waved me into the campus. I was never selected for random drug testing. 

They interrupted a would-be uninspiring Economy class for a surprise security check. Rebecca was the lucky winner of today’s random search lottery. Tardiness, a lighter, Visine, dark lips, breath mints, a Bob Marley drawstring bag, and no textbooks. Com’on, you don’t need Scooby Doo and the entire gang to solve this mystery! The clues were overwhelming. I reapplied my lip balm while waiting to see if they would take her for questioning.

“Alright. Have a seat Miss and don’t be late again.” He said with a thick Curacaolaan accent.
Under normal circumstances, I had no need to smuggle contraband. However, if they were going to let everyone slide, why not have fun?! I was a bored good girl determined to spice up my time in purgatory.

The uninventive tried and failed to sneak phones and other blacklisted items in their shoes and baggy pants. Girls with overdeveloped mammary glands used their bras to carry illicit items. They rationalized the metal detectors beeping on their multiple gold and silver chains. I was not blessed in that way. Hiding behind femininity and the threat of sexual harassment was child’s play. 

I aspired to be iconic. Before we knew of Joanne the Scammer, Sharon Stone was the most infamous femme fetale.

I wrapped the phone in my hair and decorated the square bun with chopsticks. I passed my at-home ‘bend and shake’ test. I’d learned from the rookies who’s phones fell out of their hair when they bent over to remove their shoes. Their first mistake was trying to hide a Nokia – A BIG OL’E NOKIA – in their struggle strands. Oh, baby. What is you trying to do? You goin’ need lengths and some tracks to pull off a Golden Globe-winning stunt like this. As Sharon (Ginger McKenna) would say “I wouldn't do that if I were you. I wouldn't do that.”

Hugs and kisses to the criminals with the struggle edges. Shout out to the security guards who leave no stone unturned during their checks.


What would you do? Tweet me using #JBFxOnicia


Created on St. Maarten. Based in Chicago. Onicia Muller (@OniciaMuller) writes, says funny things, and enjoys hanging with creative minds. Originally published in The Daily Herald's Weekender, Just Being Funny is a weekly reflection where Onicia laughs at life


Want more funny? Subscribe. Buy me ice cream. Share.

Popular posts from this blog

'The Haven' using Web Series to Launch Chicago TV Pilot - Women in Film

What do you do when you have an original TV pilot that explores a world and characters different from traditional Hollywood scripts? You do like Mia McCullough and Elizabeth Laidlaw and create a web series!
THE HAVEN is a web series covering an extensive period in the lives of the clients and staff of a domestic violence center. The staff forms the main cast. The clients are secondary characters. 

Web series is a great storytelling tool for exploring characters and worlds. Compared to a TV show, these short format made-for-the-web productions often require fewer resources to produce. These scripts, which are usually under 30 minutes/pages, allow screenwriters to tell stories by and about underrepresented communities. Best of all, the finished content is immediately available to that community — #RepresentationMatters. 

Mia and co-producer Elizabeth Laidlaw knew that if developed and produced in the traditional Hollywood/LA-focused system, the project would likely evolve into something t…

Winnifred Jong’s “Tokens on Call” is a Masterclass in Woke Storytelling - Women in Film

You know a series is great when you feel the same or more excitement when watching it a second time around. I had to wait about two years, but Tokens was worth the wait. Winnifred Jong’s Tokens is a masterclass in woke storytelling.

As a viewer, Tokens was a fun ride with lots of surprises and instantly lovable characters. Jong’s storytelling is educational without feeling like an afterschool special.

As a screenwriter, I was confronted with all the tired tropes that I’d picked up and unintentionally repeating in my work. Rewatching the series was a great study in how to flip the script on race and gender issues without being heavy-handed or preachy.

In the eight 5-minute episodes were featured multiple storylines that came together for a fresh and fun viewing experience. I wish there were more Bettys (Shelley Thompson) in the casting world.

After watching the series, I daydreamed about how much more exciting the storytelling world would be if there were more diversity in gender, rac…

Nothing to Say - Onicia Updates - November 2018

Sooo, I find myself in a bit of a predicament. I want to send 12 newsletters this year but this month I have nothing to say. I thought about doing a year in review or thankful edition but I kinda don't have the energy to put together a 'meaty' letter. So what can I do to keep the train going and provide value? Yuck. 'Provide value'.
I could talk about my plans for 2019 but I've found it better and less stressful to share things that have come into fruition vs. prematurely telling you about projects. I thought about dropping links to all the media I consumed this month but meh, I'm tired. So tired I don't even want to proofread this letter.
Confession: I haven't washed my hair in over 5 weeks. I'm enjoying one of the best flat irons of my life. Sigh. I haven't been up to much. Just bumming it at home, listening to podcast and audio books, something something. Let's keep this short because that's all I gotta say today. Got something I…