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Bathroom Experiments - Just Being Funny

In case you missed the memo, I am neurotic and obsessive. I keep score of everything. It’s why I remember with such clarity that the Mermaid police snubbed on my birthday way back in kindergarten. 

My former roommate, Rebecca’s excessive use of toilet paper pushed me to conduct a series of bathroom experiments. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with that information. Hopefully, finding answers to these personal hygiene questions would help me sleep better at night. There’s something comforting about quantifiable evidence should clapback be needed.

Experiment 1: over and under
I noticed the toilet paper roll was facing under (behind the roll). Sometimes you’re in a rush and put it the wrong way. I get it. So, I adjusted it for her. They next morning, the roll was back in its original position. Was she intentionally being a bathroom psycho? I check her toothpaste tube. The results were inconclusive. I flipped the roll again just in case I imagined it. 

When the TP returned to the under position, I realized that fixing it was a losing battle. I should sleep with one eye open because Rebecca just might be a serial killer. After all, she allowed me to live with her without a thorough background check.

Obviously, she wasn’t because I’m writing this, but she very well could have been!

Experiment 2: trash day
I suspected that Rebecca wasn’t cleaning. To prove this, I decided to stop using the bathroom trash. If it couldn’t be flushed, it would go in my bedroom waste bin.

The trash was full in three days. Four days after reaching ‘overfull’ status, she still hadn’t emptied it. Wads of paper fell to the floor, and she refused to find two minutes to empty the bin. Hot Pancakes! At least try to flush some of it. I emptied the trash on day fourteen. 

Experiment 3: roll count
I'm not a hardcore counter, but I try to use about 3 to 6 poo tickets to wipe my front. It's not a hard rule; use depends on your pH balance. If your box is a little frowsy, you might want an extra square or two – maybe even a wet wipe.

When our jumbo pack of 24 rolls was done in two months, I decided to do an audit. I hid a new roll in the medicine cabinet (we didn’t put anything in there). My gyal cleared her roll on the hanger in two days. Do you know how expensive toilet paper is?! On day three, I still had a half roll. Did she have plumbing issues? Butt seriously (see what I did there?), she’s the reason why I can’t go Dutch on general cleaning supplies. Rebecca was straight wrapping the paper around her palm.

If my rent wasn’t super inexpensive, I would have broken our lease. Real talk.

Shout out to all the people who dry their feet before stepping on the mat, hang the toilet paper over the roll, and squeeze from the end of the tube.


What would you do? Tweet me using #JBFxOnicia


Created on St. Maarten. Based in Chicago. Onicia Muller (@OniciaMuller) writes, says funny things, and enjoys hanging with creative minds. Originally published in The Daily Herald's Weekender, Just Being Funny is a weekly reflection where Onicia laughs at life


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