Skip to main content

Don’t make me get loud on this train! - Just Being Funny

I have a love-hate relationship with public transportation. As rush hours go, I resigned to being just another sardine the human-sized can.

The warning sign reads: don’t lean against the door. The stick figure person's limbs flail precariously. What do you think is worse, falling out while the L is underground and potentially being crushed and zapped or falling from an open, but elevated platform and risking a spinal injury. Freak accidents happen every day; you need to have a plan.

My butt was already pressed against the divider near someone’s face when some rando slid their hand in to join the tuna train. Dude, the conductor said there’s another train following immediately. There’s no need to force yourself. (Side eye. Like duh, another one is behind us. That’s how train tracks work, Mrs. Conductor!) 

I had to reposition from butt in face to face in a stranger’s neck. What’s worse, trying not to breathe like a creepy stalker into someone’s hair or containing potential farts?

Like I said: love and hate. The dark humorist loves it. The tired temp worker just wants to go home to Netflix.

So, I'm minding my own business by observing my fellow can-men. This one dude was making googly eyes with some chick. Did he know her and her three friends? They were also making googly eyes with him -- or was it at him? 

“Hey ma, you want some Loud?” ask Roberto. Rebecca from the giggling quartet responded, “nah.” 

My spidey senses tingled. I braced myself for a Boondocks ninja moment. When Rebecca didn’t bite, he tried his fiya sales pitch on the middle-aged business lady. “Yo lady, you want some Loud?”

I can’t. Neither could the nice lady; she pulled her purse closer and wriggled in what little levensruimte we had to face the other way.

My man was openly soliciting illegal substances. The googly eyes and styrofoam cup finally made sense. Roberto was lit off his bum. The quartet was giggling at him, not with him.

He retrieved a little baggie and cashed it by sprinkling the contents into his palm. Then, ever so casually, blew the specs onto us sardines.

I said. He. Blew. The. Weed. On. Everyone. 

You ain't Salt Bae! This train was headed towards an airport! You know, the place where people go to if they're looking to travel across borders a.k.a TSA trap house. Them man stay shaking you down for even thinking of carrying more than a travel-size amount of lotion. Listen, the way my ashy joints are set up -- hmm.  

I was so ready to fight this dude. It might be a stretch, but his lil’ stunt could have caused someone to lose their job or worse get dragged my some narco dogs. Thankfully the doors opened, and he stepped up. What an absolute Richard Cranium. 

Shout out to all the dealers who know how to solicit to willing customers discreetly.

What would you do? Tweet me using #JBFxOnicia

Created on St. Maarten. Based in Chicago. Onicia Muller (@OniciaMuller) writes, says funny things, and enjoys hanging with creative minds. Originally published in The Daily Herald's Weekender, Just Being Funny is a weekly reflection where Onicia laughs at life

Want more funny? Subscribe. Buy me ice cream. Share.

Popular posts from this blog

'The Haven' using Web Series to Launch Chicago TV Pilot - Women in Film

What do you do when you have an original TV pilot that explores a world and characters different from traditional Hollywood scripts? You do like Mia McCullough and Elizabeth Laidlaw and create a web series!
THE HAVEN is a web series covering an extensive period in the lives of the clients and staff of a domestic violence center. The staff forms the main cast. The clients are secondary characters. 

Web series is a great storytelling tool for exploring characters and worlds. Compared to a TV show, these short format made-for-the-web productions often require fewer resources to produce. These scripts, which are usually under 30 minutes/pages, allow screenwriters to tell stories by and about underrepresented communities. Best of all, the finished content is immediately available to that community — #RepresentationMatters. 

Mia and co-producer Elizabeth Laidlaw knew that if developed and produced in the traditional Hollywood/LA-focused system, the project would likely evolve into something t…

Winnifred Jong’s “Tokens on Call” is a Masterclass in Woke Storytelling - Women in Film

You know a series is great when you feel the same or more excitement when watching it a second time around. I had to wait about two years, but Tokens was worth the wait. Winnifred Jong’s Tokens is a masterclass in woke storytelling.

As a viewer, Tokens was a fun ride with lots of surprises and instantly lovable characters. Jong’s storytelling is educational without feeling like an afterschool special.

As a screenwriter, I was confronted with all the tired tropes that I’d picked up and unintentionally repeating in my work. Rewatching the series was a great study in how to flip the script on race and gender issues without being heavy-handed or preachy.

In the eight 5-minute episodes were featured multiple storylines that came together for a fresh and fun viewing experience. I wish there were more Bettys (Shelley Thompson) in the casting world.

After watching the series, I daydreamed about how much more exciting the storytelling world would be if there were more diversity in gender, rac…

How to Afford Hired Help When You’re Still A Struggling Artist? - Hey Onicia

In an interview with 2 and A Bottle,they asked how I afforded to hire an assistant for creative ventures. I am pro paying people for their work because artists die from exposure; ‘likes’ and retweets do not pay the bills. Here’s how I’m able to pay people even though I’m still in that struggling artist phase.
Hey Oniciais a series where I tap into my type-A side and answer questions from my friends about this starving artist life. If you find this helpful, share with your twitter homies or thank me with ice cream. Want to chat or collaborate? Holla at me!
First off, major side eye to people who blow mad cash on taxi rides, Beyonce concerts, and fast fashion while begging for free labor. Seriously, offering me five bucks so I can buy a pint of ice cream for things I do to pay the bills is less insulting than demanding it for free.
Save up and pay full rateI wish everyone could get their asking price. If you can afford it, pay it. You can’t build a business on free-99 services; you’ll even…