Was the IT guy trying to break the world record for longest small talk session? Well, I had important scumbag temp employee things to do like admire my cute hair in the mirror and drink all the free hot chocolate. Most importantly, I had to complete twenty-five of hopefully one hundred squats before the morning’s […]
Tourists who squeeze they entire posse in we tiny pay bus does burn me. Hello, vacation is to spend money. “WhEn Is ThE BuS cOmInG?” When your rental coming?! Yuh cheap vacation booking, no budget having, bad tipping modda–
What if my friends died and their child showed up on my doorstep in a basket on a rainy night? Just a full-grown sixteen-year-old. In a basket. In the rain. Because that’s how orphans are delivered.
We were going to see my professor’s play because I wanted to experience their writing skillz. Like, how dare they take thousands of my dollars and judge my writing when they low key ain’t all that good?
He interrupted my standard declination. “I’m sorry. I meant. Can you change this money?” I looked up and WOW this black man had the most spectacular blue eyes. Just imagine Jeremy ‘Prison Bae’ Meeks approaching you in real freaking life!
The breakfast burglar struck again! I was enraged imagining them stumbling into the hostel after a night of misdeeds and slinked into the kitchen where they laughed at my sign while eating my yoghurt.
In kindergarten, picking birthday helpers was like NFL players deciding which thots to smash in the orgy after a night of clubbing.
Those girls wanting to “help” distribute my birthday treats were aggressive like strippers upselling patrons to the champaign room.
My super conservative boyfriend pulled out a book about intimacy levels and Christian dating. Great, I love a man with a godly plan. Truthfully, I was not conservative in my corazón and didn’t want to be celibate in my cooch.
Expecting an extension, I lied about my French homework being on a thumb drive. Instead, my teacher said she’d wait while I printed it. Why are teachers so annoying? Just play along with the lie, gosh man.
I was excited about the shared condo with a pool until the landlord revealed ongoing renovations, restricted me to the garage entrance, and “advised” me to avoid the doorman at all costs. Was there a pool? Did he even own the unit? I snatched the key fob and wheeled in my suitcases.