I needed a relaxer. My roots were grown out, and I had a special event at 7 PM. Although my mom had given me a hundred, I was determined to only spend fifty. So, I rolled up to my semi-regular stylists and put in my request. Question: Why do hairstylists always try to trash the […]
Want to know a deep dark secret? I used to be hooked on smutty romance novels. I know. I KNOW! The worst thing about romance novels—besides the writing—is the covers. O. M. G. Dear book cover designers: If we, romance readers, needed visuals we would watch porn. Periodt. Putting saucy images on a romance novel […]
Am I the only person who regularly checks their spam folder? Sure, my spam folder is mostly fake princes, MLM scams, and lenders trying to bully me into repaying my student loans. What? That last one isn’t spamming and I should take it seriously? Name one person you know who has paid off their student […]
I’m in bed when I hear my roommate walk from her bedroom to the kitchen. Now I can’t sleep because I’m wondering what she’s up to at three in the morning. She’s the type of person to “mop” the entire kitchen floor with half a roll of triple-ply napkins instead of using well… a mop. […]
Enjoying a three-course restaurant meal is nice. Not just appetizer, entree, dessert. I’m talking about a curated meal and full cultural experience; entree, side dishes, chopping of the hand for skipping the bill. You know, a full cultural experience. We’re at this authentic Pakistani restaurant where people eat with their hands. The food was so […]
I read a headline: “I want to break up with my boyfriend, but we’re self-isolating together.” Wow. I get that marriage and dating can be tough, but I can’t relate to people who claim to be ‘stuck’ in a relationship. Is your partner holding a gun to your head? I had a friend whose partner […]
Was the IT guy trying to break the world record for longest small talk session? Well, I had important scumbag temp employee things to do like admire my cute hair in the mirror and drink all the free hot chocolate. Most importantly, I had to complete twenty-five of hopefully one hundred squats before the morning’s […]
Tourists who squeeze they entire posse in we tiny pay bus does burn me. Hello, vacation is to spend money. “WhEn Is ThE BuS cOmInG?” When your rental coming?! Yuh cheap vacation booking, no budget having, bad tipping modda–
What if my friends died and their child showed up on my doorstep in a basket on a rainy night? Just a full-grown sixteen-year-old. In a basket. In the rain. Because that’s how orphans are delivered.
We were going to see my professor’s play because I wanted to experience their writing skillz. Like, how dare they take thousands of my dollars and judge my writing when they low key ain’t all that good?