So, my coworker with a coke problem—no judgement. No judgment from me. If you have a coke problem, sit down right here, there’s no judgment.

She was like “Hey, onicia. I’m going to visit your island and I kinda, you know, [snorts] I kind wanna party a little bit. Can you like hook me up with the local drug scene?

I too am a child of D.A.R.E. and I chant, very often, “Users are losers so don’t be an abuser.” But, I do know several crackheads. So, I was like I’ll hook you up. My cousin: huuuge crackhead. I’ll hoke you up. 

She comes back two weeks later and she was like “Onicia, your cousin is an animal. We went to the dealer’s place six times in one night!”

So, first of all, I did not realize that all crackheads were not created equal. I was like oh really? And then, I was like, six times in one night? Could you imagine going to McDonald’s six times in one night? 

I’m like if you’re gonna party and I roll up and I’m like, “Girl, I got McDonald’s money!!!” Why would we go [pretends to pull up to a drive through] “Can I have one hamburger?” Go home. Nom nom nom.

Oh, you know what, we should get some fries. “Can we get some fries?” [pretends to pull up to a drive through] “Can I get a drink?”

No! If I say we’re gonna have a McDonald’s mukbang, we’re rolling up to the Dollar Menu. Can I get 100 items?!

Probably, by trip number three, you gotta be so F-ed up. Who is driving?!

Like, I guess that’s what life is, right? Some of us pay student loans and some of us are buying coke. And some—the one percent—are doing both.

So, anyways kids, this is what I gotta say: If your gospel music playlist does not make you twerk is it really blessed and sanctified?