It was a regular day in quarantine when the former professor of African history Jessica Krug entered the offices of Onicia Pope, Caribbean political fixer.
Krug: Do you…Do you recognize me?
Onicia: Jessica Krug a.k.a. Jess La Bombalera a.k.a. Rachel Dolezal 2.0? Of course, I recognize you and your poorly dyed, crispy ends. Don’t tell me, your lil confessions on Medium didn’t inspire radical forgiveness or a lucrative book deal, and now you want me to rehab your image.
Krug: Um, yes, please. Look, as a Jewish woman, I know that pretending to be Black was wrong. I admitted as much. Now I’m just hoping—
Onicia: Who gave you my number? Was it Hubert Minnis?
Krug: I um…maybe.
Onicia: Choops. I should bill him too. Girl, you didn’t just pretend to be Black; you took on four different identities. First North African Blackness, then US-rooted blackness, then Caribbean-rooted Bronx blackness. And baby girl, if no one told you, I’m telling you now that your blackcent was capital letter T, Trash.
Krug: Sigh. I guess it’s only right that you’d want to read me before you consider helping me.
Onicia: Of course I’m gonna read your culture-leaching, “My name is Cuz but the immigration officials misspelled it when my family immigrated from the Caribbean” whack self. Like, what was you thinking when Rachel Dolezal got outed? Didn’t you consider this a sign from a bob to confess? If you’d done it back then at least you’d have someone to stand in solidarity with. How many more of y’all in hiding?
Krug: In hiding? I don’t know. Look, I clearly have been battling some unaddressed mental health demons for my entire life.
Onicia: Well, sis, I’m glad you said it but that really ain’t an excuse. Yes, I know you agree, but it feels like you’re trying to do reverse psychology. I’m here to say it ain’t working.
Krug: Yes, but moving beyond all that, what can I do to improve my situation?
Onicia: You’s cancelled. I’m not gonna tarnish my brand trying to rehab yours. You could have been an honorary yardie, but you wasn’t true to yourself. You stole our culture, and centred yourself in our struggles.
Krug: Please, there must be something you can do.
Onicia: Girl, it’s over for you. You best go and start an OnlyFans or find something to sell online anonymously. Cause looking at your tattered tresses and those soft hands it don’t seem like you can cook nor do hair. At least my girl Rachel Dolezal—and I can’t believe I’m saying this—but, at least Rachel was actually down for the cause. She was raising Black kids, and even after we shunned her over-tanned behind, she continued to love us, do hair, and hold her corner. You’re dismissed.
Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to
bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com
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