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Matched – Original TV Pilot by Onicia Muller

The love algorithms predicted Pietre and Irene would be a 98% match. They’re equally smug, frugal jerks with radical politics and twisted fantasies. Together, they’ll learn that they are many things, but they are in love most of all.

LOGLINE: The love algorithms predicted Pietre and Irene would be a 98% match. They’re equally smug, frugal jerks with radical politics and twisted fantasies. Together, they’ll learn that they are many things, but they are in love most of all.

Pilot Synopsis

A narrow bedroom with just the basics. The in-wall closet reveals an all-black wardrobe with three colored blazers. Is this minimalism or poverty? Pietre is setting up the Murphy bed. Irene is like a cat underfoot who reluctantly gets out of his way. “Would you let a Saudi prince take a dump on your chest for $50,000?” that’s the trap Irene sets for her husband of five years. She’s a Cheshire cat in human form. He’s Alice in Wonderland. The conversation is silly but mental chess is how they flirt. The bed breaks as Pietre pounces on it to celebrate his victory and claim his prize (i.e., Irene’s body).

Early the next morning, Irene places a scrappy but nutritious meal on the floor outside of the second bedroom. That’s how we learn that they have a two-year-old son named Oscar.

Later, Irene walks in on Pietre cutting his hair. She’s annoyed whenever he’s not wearing his hearing aids because she has to scream and often repeats herself. Pietre and Irene are equally flirtatious and playful. However, instead of playing along, Pietre calls out Irene’s predatory lust roleplay for what it is: repressed sexual trauma from having an overly strict Christian mom.  Irene won’t let him win two rounds in a row, so she switched the topic. How should they spend a $25 Amazon gift card? Pietre suggests selling it to his younger brother Jevon.

While Jevon and Irene exercise, Pietre is tasked with preparing dinner and bathing Oscar. Irene points out that an unsupervised Oscar is likely to drown. The two have a battle of the will that seems more about winning and less about actually being good parents. Jevon decides to step in and watch his nephew. This frees up Irene to challenge Pietre to a rematch: “Would you charge less for pee?” Despite the absurdity of the topic, their mental sparring is entertaining that Jevon is tempted to abandon Oscar. The winner? Technically, Irene. But does anyone really win when discussing scat play?

At night, Irene pairs down her wardrobe while Pietre relaxes in bed. We get more glimpses into their psyche through absurd inconsequential banter.

As Irene and Oscar walk Pietre to the train station, it’s confirmed that they’re loveable weirdos. They care for and are crazy about each other.

At night, Pietre fusses with the still broken bed. Irene enters high off a productive day. She encourages Pietre to keep up with his fitness goals: doing exactly one pull-up per day. As they settle into bed, they revisit the Amazon gift card issue. An idea: “What if we just bought her something with the gift card?” An improvement on the idea: “Choose a gift that’s lightweight and costs less than $15, so we don’t have to pay out of pocket for the shipping.” She whips off her mask and head wrap in one smooth move. They spring into an embrace. CRACK! The bed breaks more.

If you enjoyed my original half-hour comedy pilot, ‘Matched,’ email me at HeyOnicia[at]OniciaMuller.com with feedback, collaboration requests, and ice cream donations.

Photo credit erica dreisbach. Note: Ziwe Fumudoh and Josh Dela Cruz are not associated with this project; erica and I just wish they were. Holla at me!

By Onicia Muller

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to (bathroom poetry) funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. www.OniciaMuller.com