Categories
Just Being Funny

My pastor taught me to dutty wine—Just Being Funny

It was the annual youth revival when good ole Pastor Clive Dottin put me on to the ‘dutty wine,’ now a classic piece of modern Caribbean poetry and choreography.

The news, teachers, and preachers think that they be preventing wotlessness, but honestly, 80% of the wild things I googled as a teen were first introduced to me by them. I’d never even considered bending my back and lifting my head up or turning sideway and lifting my leg up until Pastor Dottin described the dance in church. My word. My paragraph.

For your entertainment and edification, I’d like to (re)introduce you, readers, to the poetic genius that is Tony Matterhorn’s Dutty Wine. I pulled up the Genius lyrics to really get to the bottom (no pun intended) of the song writer’s intentions.

One of dem, two of dem, send the crew of dem. I will wine dem.

The first time I heard this musical challenge, I had no idea who Tony Matterhorn was. His confidence in being able to satisfy not one, not two, but a whole crew of women with da wickedest wine intrigued me. I imagined a beefy black Samson of a man slaying sexually depraved women with just the shadow of the tip of his penis. Yeah, not his whole penis. Not the tip, but the shadow of the tip.

In verse two, after a long series of physical maneuverings, the great Matterhorn instructs us to ‘And turn true side like you know you fed up. Turn roun like you know rose duck.’

First of all, you’re absolutely right I’m fed up. Is we dancing or is this some kind of crazy P90X workout? Nah, there was climbing involved, so this was more like parkour or cross fit.

Secondly, ‘rose duck.’ What is a rose duck? All these years I thought mas was saying ‘roast duck.’ Not that that makes more sense. It just always opened up my appetite when I belted ‘Turn roun like you know roast duck’ from the top of my lungs.

Urban Dictionary had no idea what rose duck was, so I could only assume that the lyricists at Genius.com are wrong and that a night of dancing made ole Matterhorn hungry and he too had roast duck on his mind.

Go inna bushes and go in inna tree

If you go pon di bed your not going wi mi

This song is supposed to be about Tony Matterhorn’s sexual prowess, but honestly, it reads like a virgin who stumbled into some low-quality hentai and used that content to lie to his friends about his sexual experiences.

Go pon di floor go pon di TV

Go pon di dresser and bruk up figurine

What. did. I. say. This man’s sexual fantasy is having intercourse on dresser covered with toy figurines. If this ain’t the imagination of a pimple-faced 13-year-old boy at work, I don’t know what is. LOL.

Shout out to all my dancehall kings and queens.

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com

By Onicia Muller

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to (bathroom poetry) funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. www.OniciaMuller.com