By Caribbean Comedian Onicia Muller Ever stumbled into the weird part of YouTube? No, not the ultra HD pimple-popping sessions, or the under-aged kids doing sexually suggestive ASMR, or the literal insect cage fights. I’m talking about baby massages. Yup, I was on Al Gore’s Internet™ minding other people’s business when I learned that there […]
I was standing on a street corner tanning— because that’s how I like to spend my lunch break as a dark-skinned black woman—when this guy decides to hit on me. His opening line: “Hi, you’re beautiful. What’s your name?” I know what you’re thinking, “Aw, that’s nice and respectful.” Wrong! My guy was unwashed and […]
My wallet was stolen hours after I’d withdrawn thousands of Pesos from my bank account. We had just enough to cover our hostel costs until our trip was over. We needed money, and we needed it— Knock. Knock. Yuck, it was that toad-face, middle-aged guy who kept asking us out. ¡¡Lightbulb!! Talk about knock and […]
They say this story is about a woman ’cause woman know how to get things done. They say this story about a man and how men are the stupidest creatures on the planet. As to who am I? Well, don’t worry about that. They say I am in the details. A woman with gloved hands […]
I collaborated with the Forsee Foundation for season two of Soualichi Stories. I wrote and told the tale of Lajabless, the Caribbean she-devil who entices drunk men and turns them into human sacrifices. You can listen to Lajabless and other Caribbean folklore on the Forsee Foundation’s SoundCloud. My funny greeting cards are ready! I’m in the […]
Bullfighting is like a local gang challenging you to a one-on-one fistfight, but when you show up, they got a big ole knife and a clownin’ homie for backup. After witnessing the absolutely appalling murder of innocent bulls, I vowed never to eat steak that I knew personally. The murder? Horrific. The steak? Terrific! Before […]
I needed a relaxer. My roots were grown out, and I had a special event at 7 PM. Although my mom had given me a hundred, I was determined to only spend fifty. So, I rolled up to my semi-regular stylists and put in my request. Question: Why do hairstylists always try to trash the […]
Want to know a deep dark secret? I used to be hooked on smutty romance novels. I know. I KNOW! The worst thing about romance novels—besides the writing—is the covers. O. M. G. Dear book cover designers: If we, romance readers, needed visuals we would watch porn. Periodt. Putting saucy images on a romance novel […]
Am I the only person who regularly checks their spam folder? Sure, my spam folder is mostly fake princes, MLM scams, and lenders trying to bully me into repaying my student loans. What? That last one isn’t spamming and I should take it seriously? Name one person you know who has paid off their student […]