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Just Being Funny

Sleeping with my high school bully—Just Being Funny

“I ran into my high school bully and had sex with them. Then, I didn’t call them again as revenge.” That’s it. That was the tweet. Whether it’s real or not, I have a few thoughts.

First of all, sleeping with your high school bully just to prove you’re sexier than them is like paying their rent just to prove you’re richer than them.

This plan is so backward and useless, I bet that person would also go to your bully’s tomb every year just to prove they’re more alive than the bully.

Do you know what’s dumb about this plot? If I was gonna have sex with a bully, I was gonna give them the worst sex of their life. #WasteAllOfThierTime.

I wasn’t throwing anything back in a circle for no pimple-faced jerk. If I were throwing anything, it would be the keys to the fur handcuffs and letting them figure out a way to get free.

My bully from high school said I looked like the lead female ape from Planets of the Apes. Was I supposed to film myself having sex with them just so I could prove that ‘the ape girl’ made them cum?

Who are these people and why are they promoting terrible ideas?!

You know, I believe in having goals and stuntin’ on your haters but this ain’t it, Chief. I have a bucket list that I maintain but at no point did it ever go: travel the world, learn a new language, and—oh yeah— have sex with my bully from high school.

What are we talkin’ about?! One of those things is not like the others.

That reminds me, I once had a bully (yah gyal had plenty of hate) in high school who told me that he didn’t like girls like me who had long torsos.

First of all, no one asked for his opinion. Second of all, I spend way too much time imagining his dream female being the mom from Cow and Chicken—just legs. Or like Peter Griffin’s great-aunt from Family Guy whose legs go all the way up.

But third, and most importantly, had I followed the path of my friend, the road to revenge would involve practically begging them to tell me that I’m short enough for them.

If you must get revenge for things that happened in your childhood, get revenge on your parents for passing on the social reject genes, get revenge on your orthodontist for not inventing Invisalign when you needed braces, or get revenge on your push-up bra for not making you look like a Victoria Secret angel at fifteen. #JailBait.

Dear person who tweeted that ridiculous revenge story: I think you need to go back to high school because everybody knows that revenge is a dish best served cold, not neked. Yuh dumb dumb.

Shout out to diaries. You are a safe space to playout and evaluate petty revenge plots.

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com

Photo by Womanizer WOW Tech on Unsplash

By Onicia Muller

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to (bathroom poetry) funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. www.OniciaMuller.com