I was about sixteen when my mom decided to gift me some underwear. I know right, teenager and mom sharing underwear, whats going on here? She’d bought a bra and panty set and because they came together as one, only the bra fit but not the panties. So she was like, “Hey, Oni. Do you want this? 

When I was in high school, I was a grungy girl. I wore pants that were unironed and kinda like big. I had people ask me a few times “Girl, where is your butt.” I was like, “I have a butt and teenage boys aren’t allowed to see it because it’s mine and you tease me, so it’s a secret.”

I also wore, not oversized T-shirts, but anything to hide the nonexistent breasteses. But my secret was that I wore sexy underwear. So, whenever someone was like “Oh, Onicia you’re so ugly or too skinny”, I’d be like, that’s what you say now, but I’m a goddess underneath here.

So, the underwear was tiny and blue, and they cut your but in a V-shape and—wait for it— and they had really cool metal swirly things near the hips. I was like, yes, I’m gonna be over here secretly belly dancing from first to seventh period—just sexy time all day long.

When I finally get to put them on, I go to school. It’s the third period and I’m sitting in class and I have a massive headache. I’m like, dear Jesus, I dont know whats happening but you need to fix it because I cannot think. 

I go to the bathroom and i don’t have to pee but maybe I have to pee. Like, let’s just try and undo some stuff. So, as I pull down my pants, I realize that my underwear is cutting into my hip bone. As you can see, I’m just bones right now so I was more bones back in high school. My hip area was just inflamed. I realized, Oh God, it’s too tight. This can’t be life. 

I decided that I’m going to wad some toilet paper together to like add some cushion. I go back to class and I still can’t think. Lord, Jesus, you gotta fix it. 

One period later, I decide to inch my underwear down. I thought maybe this area was narrower but that doesn’t work because your hips go wider. 

Another period later, I think maybe I should pull it up because my waist is tiny. But now I’m just cutting my crotch. 

Eventually, I make it home. I look at my sexy underwear and I think, Jesus, this is not for me. So, I just rest it in my closet. Then, once a week for like about six months, I’d wonder if today was the day. Sometimes I’d put them on but I’m just like I’m gonna lose my life trying to be sexy for people who don’t even know it. 

Eventually, I just toss them in the trash. I thought to myself, ugh, I’m not being a good goddess.