By Comedic Storyteller Onicia Muller
My super conservative boyfriend pulled out a book about intimacy levels and Christian dating. Great, I love a man with a godly plan. Truthfully, I was not conservative in my corazón and didn’t want to be celibate in my cooch.
By date three, we’d unknowingly entered intimacy level six because ‘hand to waist’ was technically a hug!
Don’t slut shame me; this slag keeps pace with the Holy Spirit – everyone knows someone who lost their virginity on a technical foul.
I blame sexually repressed kooks for convincing the Christ-following masses to repress nature to unnatural degrees. *cough*Will Keith Kellogg*cough*.
I agreed that staying at level three (voice to voice) was wise. But he wanted to wait until I returned from my 3-month-long trip to consider level 4 (holding hands).
Beloved, dating for Eternity™ is cool. Taking an eternity for dating is not. I’m not waiting seven months to hold someone’s hand.
Two dates later, I convinced him to reinstate hand-holding.
When you are truly abstaining from physical intimacy, hand-holding can be very arousing. When our fingers finally interlocked, it was like my clit relocated to the palm.
He wanted to wait until after my trip to consider level five (hand to shoulder). Hand-clit or no, I did not want to wait four months for a side hug.
If he wanted me to suffer through his anime viewing parties then I needed some type of compensation. “We can maybe touch shoulders if we’re both wearing long sleeves and our feet stay on the floor”.
According to some
sexually repressed kook youth
pastor, unwed couples should always keep both feet on the floor. Because being
curled up and cosy leads to making out, co-napping, and le sex.
Silly wabbit, there are many ways to have couch sex with both feet on the floor. Watch you a mek triplets. #SexyCouchChallenge.
Through trickery and mutual thirst, I convinced him to advance to level five. We now hugged max twice per date and sat closely (no hugging) while watching anime.
During my trip, I tried video chatting daily to keep the relationship warm. I’d tasted level five and was not going back to three.
But like Esau gave up his birthright for a meal, I agreed to let the relationship cool off because I was binge-watching Breaking Bad.
On our first date following my trip, he greeted me with a handshake instead of a hug. When I tried to hold his hand, he said, “Let’s save that for later”. Instead of going to his room, we set up in the common area, and then –
“I think we should take a step back.”
I opened my burger wrapper, “Yes, I agree. We should break up” and took a large bite of the beefy sandwich. He explained that he didn’t want to break up. But beloved, what is a step back from holding hands?
Oops, we were “saving that for later.”
Shout out to the person who made that delicious breakup burger.
Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller regrets leaving St. Maarten for windy Chicago. Her weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com/JBF.